Paramdam ni Randall

I would always tell Randall na magparamdam naman sya kasi namimiss ko na sya. Indeed, he never failed. For the past 3 weeks, I dreamt of him twice and the dream was VERY, VERY VIVID. Diba may mga dreams na pagkagising natin, di na natin maalala exactly yung nangyari but we know we had a dream. And there are a few that we could recall over and over again, even to the dream's smallest detail. Randall made sure he'd go for the latter type.

The first was the night of January 24. He wore an orange shirt. Pinipilit ko sya na magharana sya but he couldn't kasi parang nagmamadali siya nun. But I saw his smile... that very unforgettable smile. He said he had to go and I saw in his face that he felt sorry about having to go. But he sent me a letter. A long handwritten letter. I clearly remember 2 main ideas of the letter: 1. na sana siya na lang daw si Karlo ngayon... and 2. that he loves me... In the end he wrote a big I LOVE YOU.

The 2nd dream happened last night, February 6. He was again wearing an orange shirt. It happened in a very surreal setting. I said I love you, he said "I love you too."

Randall is one major reason why I'm not afraid of death anymore. I would always picture myself during my last breath na andun siya at siya ang magsusundo sakin. I know and I feel that wherever he is now, he's happy and even though masakit pa din yung pagkawala niya for all his loved ones whom he left behind, we, or I personally, am appeased already by the fact na OK siya sa kinaroroonan niya ngayon and he's at peace.

Almost 4 years passed already, sobrang bilis... I was able to move on but I admit that the pain of longing for his presence is still here.

I miss you so much Randall...
You know that you will always be my first love...
I love you...

Proud to be a Leo

Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. 

Usually happy but when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. 

A Leo's problem becomes everyone's problem.  

Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be monotonous. 

Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. 

Very predictable. Outgoing.  Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. 

Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. 

Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 

7 years of bad luck if you do not forward. 

UP Diliman Backup Files Gone :(

Dahil sa sobrang pagka-OC in arranging my files, and because of the adrenaline rush in being productive for the past 4 days, it only took less than a second to delete my hard-earned UP Diliman files :(

Breathe... inhale... exhale...

Good thing I chanced upon reading Ai's FB note about the 90-10 principle... Shoo negative vibes!

.................................

Karlo called.....................................

Yay! Less than 5mins lang ang pagdadalamhati, thank God! He still has my backup files! Buti na lang di sya nagpadala sa pangungulit ko dati na burahin na nya yung backup files ko sa PC nya dahil laking kain sa memory... Love you so much honey! Whew...

Ok back to OC-ness mode :D

Panic Mode

Happy New Year!

I've been itching so much to write about a lot in my blog when suddenly, I just couldn't see my dashboard. I'd switch between leisurely surfing for blog skins and trying to check every now and then whether my blog's back again. But to no avail. Until finally, I tried signing in using my Yahoo! account and there's my most-loved dashboard!

Jarl Blogs Again.

Lesson: Stick to one email address. Unfortunately, it's not possible in my case but nevertheless, I'll always remember now that this blog is signed in by Yahoo!

Yahoo!!!!

**haha adik lang ang pagkakagawa**

Next time for more serious stuff... :D

Girl with Issues

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm here in Karlo's house blogging.

While everyone else is busy preparing Noche Buena and too giddy and excited to bond with relatives and friends, I am bitter about the holidays. Yes, I am bitter about Christmas.

We don't celebrate Christmas and New Year at all. We hear mass during Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve and that's it. I grew up without Noche Buena on our dining table every Christmas Eve. I grew up with no gifts to open on Christmas Day. I grew up with no merriment during the most festive season in the year. I got used to welcoming the New Year with no fireworks, no Medya Noche. I got used to just sleeping through these all.

I've never been too emotional about this, until I met Karlo and his very wonderful family, the ideal family I've always dreamed of having - a family with no one having to sacrifice working abroad just to give the family a decent living, a family who highly values family ties and tradition, a family who embraced me and treated me as their own.

Just this afternoon, I had the guts to answer back Mom with her nonchalant justifications of not preparing for the holidays. It was too much for me to bear already. She said it was not practical to waste money for a short-time celebration, given our family's financial condition that we are deeply in debt. If only I could just explain to her that even the poorest of those in shanties and slum areas still manage to prepare something for the holidays, that alone will not serve Mom's reasons as valid.

Readers of this blog entry might find my rantings very superficial, but I just want to be completely honest with what I feel. Yesterday, I went shopping for gifts with Karlo in Marikina yesterday and it was my first time to buy gifts for my family, the household members, and my inaanak. We bought a lot, spent a considerable amount of money for gifts, but it was all worth it.

I'm too shy to admit but I don't know how to wrap gifts at all. I even had to ask help from Karlo to wrap those gifts. That and all other hurts summed up PLUS Daddy's physical absence, I AM BITTER ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

I still have lots of issues about my family but it's too much to pour them all in one blog entry. So next year, whether Mom likes it or not, I am going to decorate our house with Christmas decors and colorful lights, I will buy a huge Christmas tree inside our house, I will buy fireworks, I will prepare Noche Buena (thus the pressure to learn how to cook! Haha!), I will buy gifts for everyone. Even if I have to spend P15,000.00 or more for all these, it's okay. As long as I don't have to feel this bitterness anymore during the holidays, then it's okay.

Merry Christmas everyone :)

De-Stressing in SC

I barely had sleep for the past days, and I guess I'd be a walking zombie until the 19th. To de-stress myself, I just think of the rewards waiting for me by the end of the week ... Lantern Parade with Brods and Sisses, Soro-Frat Christmas Party, Rotaract Outreach to Chosen Children's Village in Silang, Cavite, Rotaract Christmas Party, and Christmas Party with Karlo's Relatives in Cavite. Dapat nga may WYD Christmas Party pa on Saturday pero goodluck naman diba, sana kaya ko mag-appear in 3 different places at the same time :D

Sometimes, with too much extra-curricular activities I'm committed to, I wonder where I get all the energy and the zeal to continue, notwithstanding the academic load I have this sem. I actually have my exam tomorrow, but here I am blogging leisurely :D

I'm happy to blog here in SC after a haggard Stat101 Exam. It really pays off to study. Yes, I did cram (studied until 5:30AM this morning), but it's okay. Suddenly, I miss my old study habits.

I dream of having my own website soon: www.jarlgamonez.com. Haha click nyo yan, empty link lang yan. Pero yan ang balak kong URL. For now, I'm content with my blog. I checked my brother's blog - http://rystraum.com/blog/ and man, was I surprised to my delight. I so want how his blog looks like - clean, sleek finish coupled with meaningful blog posts. San ka pa diba?

I once asked my brother if I could venture into enterprising activities online and he recommended BLOGGING for me. Ads pa lang daw, passive income ka na daw. Which makes me think.. How about if I pursue it nga?

Magaan lang talaga pakiramdam ko ngayon, even though I have the most challenging exam coming up, because ho! ho! ho! I just finished my very FINAL to-do notebook. I keep on replacing, revising, rewriting to-do stuff that it takes too much of my time already but just yesterday, I did it! I finally came up with my FINAL to-do notebook. Pardon me for the extremely OC personality. I admit I am. :D

Have to go, still have class.

Jarl Blogs Again

I slept at 6AM this morning because of too much excitement to create my new blog. Last night, I've been reading through my previous blogs before and couldn't help but laugh at my entries. I realized that I missed blogging after all. 

I browsed several free templates but still couldn't arrive at a final decision on which design to use. My eyes started to hurt terribly already and I could feel my head ache so for the sake of my meeting at 12:30PM today, I tried to get some sleep although I badly wanted to write my 1st entry already and customize how my blog looks.

Check out my blog in 2006: www.jarl23-2006.xanga.com. Still in UP Manila at that time, I was very masipag to go to the nearest Alva Computer Center along Taft during break time just to blog. Probably due to lack of friends whom I could confide in. Hence, resorting to blogging as my outlet of emotions. 

So much has changed since then. Aside from the fact that I'm now in UP Diliman, my emotional baggage are totally different now as before. The 3-year emotional rollercoaster ride was unbelievable. The hell it hurt. But I'm still here, alive. So much alive.

I'm just happy to blog again. Total relief.